duh.

I hate it when someone points out something painfully obvious to me that I realize I've just been completely blind to.  I have not lost all the pregnancy weight.  I do not like this.  I know I haven't been running (really hoping that will be able to change soon); I know I've been leaning on sugar in a way that suggests I need to get to a meeting; and I KNOW that you're supposed to control your portion sizes.

and yet.

Today I had a checkup w/ the Dr.s office that will now be my primary care place.  The nurse practitioner who saw me listened to what I had to say about my life and my weight issues; then very gently reminded me that I should eat as many veggies as possible (roasted taste better) to fill up, but to take it easy on the carbs. To eat smaller portions.  She told me that I shouldn't have a serving larger than 1/2 a cup (or the amount that would fit in one cupped hand).

And I wanted to snap at her and say "I know that!!" or "I'm breastfeeding!! I'm hungry!! I need to eat!!" or even "bread and pasta are good for you!!"

but I also felt this voice inside me thinking "you are a MORON!  what have you been eating all this time!?"
(I know my mom doesn't like me talking to myself that way so I will say for the record that in general I do not think of myself as a moron, that's just how I react to poor choices I've made).

Tonight I roasted a LOT of veggies (brussels sprouts and broccoli), made some vegan fake barbecue, and then measured out a half a cup of the macaroni and cheese my parents heated up for dinner.

let me tell you, that half a cup took up a TINY part of my plate (and by those standards I guess I've been eating upwards of 10 servings w/ most meals).

I feel pretty good about what I ate tonight.  I feel pretty good about not really having any sweets for a week. But there is this irate woman inside of me that does not want to eat sensibly, that does not want to feel hungry, and does not want to count calories.  I guess I just have to deal w/ her bitching in my head for awhile.